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*The Apples Sketch

*Open on blank stage, and SAM and CHRIS walk on from both sides. They both have baskets of apples, and are wearing overalls and caps*

SAM:                     Hi CHRIS!

CHRIS:                   Hi SAM!

SAM:                     How many apples have you got there CHRIS?

CHRIS:                   Four!

SAM:                     Wow, that’s a lot of apples!

CHRIS:                   How many have you got there SAM?

SAM:                     Six!

CHRIS:                   Golly gosh, that’s a lot of apples too!

SAM:                     I wonder how many apples we have together!

CHRIS:                   Well SAM, I believe we have ten apples!

SAM:                     Ten apples?

CHRIS:                   Ten apples!

BOTH:                   TEN APPLES!

*both do extremely artificial laughs*

SAM:                     Mother has 5 more apples at home that we’re going to make into nice pies!

CHRIS:                   Sounds delicious!

SAM:                     Mmm-mmm-mmm! But some of those apples might not make for a nice pie! One of them is rotten, CHRIS.

CHRIS:                   Oh no!

SAM:                     I know!

CHRIS:                   You better make sure you remove that apple, or you’ll have a 20% chance of making someone very very sick.

SAM:                     And if I bought your apples and put them in my pie, then the chance would be a...umm..erm...*puzzles over the calculation*...11.1111111111 *continues to add ones while CHRIS speaks*

CHRIS:                   Better make sure to slice them up. You want to distribute their mass equally! And remember, each apple has a radius of about 3.5 centimeters.

SAM:                     *startled*...Gosh! That’s a lot to think about, CHRIS!

CHRIS:                   Assuming that each apple is spherical in nature, by my calculations and using four thirds pi by radius cubed, then each apple should have a volume of 179.594380030 centimeters cubed to 9 decimal places.

SAM:                     Hang on CHRIS, I haven’t studied any of –

CHRIS:                   And assuming that the density of the apple is approximately 1.23grams per centimetre cubed...

SAM:                     Assuming I don’t understand –

CHRIS:                   Then therefore each apple should weigh 220.9010874372 grams to TEN decimal places!

SAM:                     What the hell?

CHRIS:                   9 apples spread across 3.14159 pies! Pi pies with equally distributed apple per pie mass, yielding 1,988.10978693450 grams in total to ELEVEN decimal places for all pies! Divide by pi pies to get 632.834999999999988 grams per pie! (Here SAM starts to yell “Chris! No! No Chris, Please! Please no!”) Now assuming that the pies are losing heat to their surroundings by the differential of Newton’s time function – and that they’re travelling close to the speed of light such that their relativistic inertial profile reaches a critical point – we can see that we’ve created a closed system black hole in which all flavour is forever trapped within its event horizon. Because love is akin to a warm apple pie baked by your mother – I can therefore conclude that love is a logical impossibility.

SAM:                     Nooooooooooooooo!