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*Stone-cold Marriage

Husband is sitting in the Loungeroom, reading a newspaper. Wife walks in, nicely dressed in a scarf and a hat covering her hair.

Wife: Gerald, Im home.

Gerald grunts.

Wife: So how was your day?


Wife: Prescribe any glasses today?

Gerald: A few.


Wife (suggestive): Well, I havent had my eyes checked recently do you think its time for my checkup?

Gerald (nervously): I dont think thats a good idea

Wife: Oh come on! We havent done something as a couple so for long

Gerald: Look.....I think we need to talk about our relationship.

Wife (defensive): What is there we need to talk about?! (tries to get him to face her) Why dont you ever look me in the eyes anymore?!

Gerald: Surely you can answer that for yourself!

Wife: Just look at me!

Gerald: No!

A short scuffle ensues. Gerald finally breaks away, staring away from her.

Gerald: Medusa! We have been through this. I literally can not look you in the eye.

Medusa: IT DOESNT MEAN I DONT NEED YOUR LOVE, GERALD! You dont need to look me in the eye to notice that I got a new haircut on Tuesday.

Medusa tears off her hat and scarf to reveal eight snakes in her hair.

Gerald: Well, forgive me for not wanting to point out the EIGHT GIANT PYTHONS IN THE ROOM

Medusa (suggestively): Dont you mean nine giant pythons?

Gerald: NO.

Medusa(teary):What did I ever do to you to deserve this?

Gerald: Well, lets do a quick body count, shall we? My best friend, Toby  table.

Medusa(defensive): It's not all bad.  My 'condition' has done a lot of good for this marriage.

Gerald: My sister, Candice.  The coat rack!

Medusa: Hey, we've no longer got problem with Mormons!

Gerald: My dog, who is now not just AS dead as a doorstop, he is LITERALLY the doorstop.

Medusa: It won us the neighbourhood sculpting competition!

Gerald: And to top it all off, my parents. MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.

Medusa: We never have to travel for family reunions any more!

Gerald:  Im sorry, but this marriage can't work with my parents constantly staring over my shoulder.

Medusa:  Come on, they're YOUR parents!  The pressure is clearly on me.

Gerald: I cant keep living in the same house as the calcified corpses of the people I love. I cant keep living in the fear that everyone I get close to might end up stone cold dead. AND I CAN NOT CONTINUE TO SHARE A BED WITH ONE WOMAN AND EIGHT REPTILES.

 Gerald starts to pack his belongings.

Medusa: Where are you going to go?! Oh, youre not going to Mary from accounting, are you? YOU ARE! You bastard, of course. Ive seen the way you look at her.

Gerald: That's the point Medusa, I CAN ACTUALLY LOOK AT HER.  Goodbye!

Medusa: NO!  I'll won't let you walk out on me!

Medusa grabs him, and looks him dead in the eye. Gerald freezes as he walks and falls over.

Medusa: Oh Gerald. I knew you couldn't stand to leave.