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Red Shirt Birthday

Open with Kirk, Bones and a redshirt (person) on stage, there should be some form of birthday decoration around the place. A table in the centre holds a birthday present.

Bones: I just don’t know what to say Jim.

Kirk: Nonsense bones – you’re the best damn doctor in Starfleet. You’ve earned this – go ahead, open your present.

Bones unwraps a present on the table,  holds up a red shirt,  Bones looks horrified.

Kirk: No need to thank me.

Redshirt: It looks fantastic.

Bones: What?! You got me a damn redshirt Jim! Why would you do something like that?!

Kirk: Bones calm down! what's the problem?

Redshirt: Yeah it’s a lovely shade of red. Just like mine (smiles)

Bones: That’s what I mean! It’s awful.

Redshirts looks sad.

Kirk: Bones! You've upset this poor ensign  

Redshirt: I do have a name sir.

Kirk: Of course you do. Now say sorry to this guy and conduct yourself in a manner befitting your position as a starfleet officer

Bones: There’s no need to say sorry to this poor bastard –  we'll be beaming down to explore that new class M planet in a few hours - he’s not even going to be alive by the end of the day!

Redshirt: Say what?

Bones: You heard me! You remember what happened to the last ensign that accompanied us planetside?

Kirk: As captain of the Enterprise, I am responsible for far too much to remember the details of every ensign's life.

Bones: He’s dead Jim- killed by an energy being. Oh and what about ensign Bob before that? Killed by a rock beast. He’s dead too Jim. No longer breathing. Ensign Doug – killed by a tar monster. Are you seeing a pattern here? .

Kirk: What about Richard? He’s still alive and he came with us two weeks ago.

Redshirt: Well Richard is with medical – he wears a blue shirt.

Kirk: Come on, this is ridiculous there is no way in the world that you wearing a red shirt is somehow going to get you killed Bones.

Spock walks on stage.

Spock: Hello Jim, Leonard... that guy.

Redshirt: Come on! None of you know my name.

Spock: Well it would be rather illogical to spend time learning it – you’ll be dead by next week. Who’s shirt?

Bones: Mine

Spock: (to Kirk) That is low captain. Leonard is your friend.

Kirk: All the more reason to enliven his wardrobe!

Bones: Damnit Jim, I’m a doctor not a faceless drone to be discarded like that guy.

Kirk: Spock, you're a logical vulcan.

Spock: That's a tautology.

Kirk: Surely you can't be suggesting that wearing a red shirt will magically get you killed.

Spock: No captain. I am merely suggesting gross negligence on your part.

Kirk: Alright that’s enough out of you. Bones, if you don’t want the shirt then I’ll take it, I need something to wear on my date with the alien princess anyway.

Kirk picks up the redshirt and puts it on over the top of his gold one. Kirk is somehow killed in a spectacular fashion.

Spock: That was most illogical.

Redshirt quickly rips off his red shirt and throws it to the floor stamping on it.

Spock: Put that back on ensign. I really don't want to learn your name.