2012‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

*Partners - in crime!

[Scene opens on a bank. Customers are waiting in line at the cashiers. Suddenly CHRIS and CHRISTINE burst in and pull out guns] 

CHRISTINE: Everybody get on the ground, this is a stick-up! 
CHRIS: Hands on your heads. 
CHRISTINE: You at the register, start loading the money into this bag. Make it all in unmarked – uh 
CHRIS: Unmarked fifties!
CHRISTINE: Yeah, unmarked fifties!

[CHRISTINE goes over to watch the person loading in money]
[CHRIS notices someone else is reaching for a button!]

CHRIS: Hey, get your hands above the table!

[CHRISTINE fires a warning shot at them]

CHRIS: No problem.

[brief eye contact, broken by the sound of sirens. They both look away]

CHRISTINE: Keep loading up the money!
CHRIS: Both the registers!

[Hostage negotiators appear on the Juliets] 
CHRIS: They're here already!
NEGOTIATOR: Attention! we have the place surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air.
CHRIS: Shit. 
BOTH: No wa- (both stop, try to do it again, both say it at the same time again, laugh again, one agrees that they’ll say it) No way!
NEGOTIATOR: Don’t make this hard on yourselves. Just let the hostages out and we can start talking.
CHRIS: I don’t think so, buddy! 
CHRISTINE: We’re not letting anyone go until we’re out of here with our money.
NEGOTIATOR: Come on, don't make this difficult. Everyone can still be okay. Don’t go out Bonny and Clyde style
CHRISTINE: Bonny and Clyde?
CHRIS: Weren’t they married?
CHRISTINE: We’re... we’re not... a thing... (both laugh) 

(long pause)

NEGOTIATOR: Look I don’t know what’s going on in there -
CHRISTINE: Nothing’s going on! 
CHRIS: Just two bank-robbers robbing a bank. Two criminals... crimming a crime. Just two partners. 
CHRISTINE: IN CRIME. Partners in crime!
CHRIS: Exclusively in crime.
CHRISTINE: Exclusively, platonically, in crime.
NEGOTIATOR: What exactly are - 
CHRISTINE: I mean we play tennis together too – 
CHRIS: Sometimes we watch movies – but they’re about crime.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, it’s just research. Business, not pleasure.
CHRIS: Criminal, platonic business. 

[long pause]

NEGOTIATOR: Okay, I can tell there's a lot of... tension in there... and I don't wanna make this weird, but... You guys need to talk about your feelings. 
CHRISTINE: [defensive] What? No we don’t!
CHRIS: What feelings?
CHRISTINE: Uh, yeah! What feelings?
NEGOTIATOR: It's pretty obvious what's going on.
HOSTAGE 1: Yeah, you two have some serious stuff to work out.
CHRISTINE: Shut up! Just shut up! [fires warning shot into the ceiling] Everyone just... we’re in control of the situation here! There’s nothing "happening" with the two of us, right?
[sarcastic snort from hostage]
CHRIS: Right. Right? Right?
CHRISTINE: I... I think so... I mean, we’ve been friends for so – 
CHRISTINE: You, you what?

[from the start of this breakdown, the two criminals slowly head towards each other, and the police slowly make their way into the bank while the criminals are distracted]

CHRIS: [breaks down] Listen, I, I just, you know, we met, and, and, do you remember this is the first bank we robbed together? That time after we met at that police line-up, and, we 
HOSTAGE 1: Say it!
CHRISTINE: We made plans to go to the ANZ and
HOSTAGE 2: Tell her!
CHRIS: And we’d, you know, rob it, and, I just, this place had so many memories and you were really cool and I wanted to hang out with you more and – 
CHRISTINE: Why didn’t you just ask me for a coffee?
CHRIS: I wanted to keep it casual!
CHRISTINE: This is casual?!
CHRIS: I panicked! It was all I could think of! The two of us - robbing banks together.
CHRISTINE: Well, I, I really like robbing banks... with you... and I mean if we wanna just do something later we could like, um, um, 
HOSTAGE: Coffee!
CHRISTINE: Coffee! We could get coffee, or steal coffee, or just... I mean 

[the two are now close enough to kiss, and as they're about to, the NEGOTIATORS burst in]

NEGOTIATOR 1: Okay! Freeze! Don’t move! 
[criminals are handcuffed by the negotiators and dragged away from each other]
NEGOTIATOR 2: You're going away for a long time.
[negotiators drag them away, then share a look between them, and release their hold on the prisoners.]
[robbers run towards each other and - yes - YES - kiss passionately. 
As they do, EVERYONE CHEERS and CONFETTI EXPLODES (cannons loaded with green confetti to look like money) and STREAMERS drop and LIGHTS GO CRAZY AND EVERYTHING IS GREAT]


They kiss a bunch. Streamers, money cannon, lights going batshit. Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" plays. The negotiator starts a slow clap. The others join in, then the ENTIRE CAST enters the stage space, applauding, which gets wilder and louder. One guy starts weeping tears of joy into a tub of Ben & Jerry's. One girl has taken pics on her phone and is already blogging about it. Everything is amazing and hyper and THE WHOLE WORLD IS HAPPY FOR THIS COUPLE BECAUSE DEAR SWEET LORD FINALLY. They get carried off stage by the happiest mob on the planet, the house lights come up, everyone goes to intermission.