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Optomist Negotiator

Open to loud gunshot, recently shot person dead on the floor in obvious hostage situation - three alive hostages left.

Hostage 1: You killed her!  Oh my God, you killed her!

Gunman: Shut up! Or you'll soon be joining him!  The negotiator should be here any moment, so keep quiet, I'll get my money and we'll all be out of here soon!

Negotiator pops head in

Negotiator:  Excuse me?  Is this the, uh, hostage situation?

Gunman:  Yes...

Negotiator:  Oh good!  I've come to the right place then!  [Negotiator strolls in, wearing bright clothing, inspirational quote on his shirt]  Hi everyone, I'll be negotiating this "situation today".  Now I feel there is a bit of tension in the air, so why don't we all introduce ourselves.  I'll start, my name is Craig. [To gunman] And you sir, what's your name?

Gunman: ...Jerry.

Negotiator:  Well hello Jerry, and my I say you're shaping up to be a great gunman today.  [to hostage 1] And who are you?

Hostage 1:  [terrified sob]

Negotiator:  A bit shy huh?  That's OK, we're all friends here.

Gunman:  OK, that's enough.  Where have you been?

Negotiator:  Well better later than never... [To hostages] am I right guys?

Gunman:  I've already killed one of the hostages!

Negotiator:  You call it killing, I call it creating job opportunities.  So how can I help you today my good man?

Gunman:  $500,000 cash and safe passage out of the country.

Negotiator:  Aww, don't put yourself down, you're worth more than that!  I mean take a look at what you've done here!  You've got everyone in one corner, you've also killed a hostage to prove you're serious!  Damn good stuff, I say.

Gunman:  [Taken off guard] OK... thanks, I guess... should I ask for a million? Two?

Negotiator:  The economy is in good shape and demand is high, don't be afraid to drive up the prices.  In fact, why not kill another hostage to raise the stakes?

Gunman:  ...OK.

Gunman drags over screaming hostage and shoots her.

Hostage 1:  My wife! You killed my wife!

Negotiator:  Gets rid of that ball-and-chain huh?

Gunman:  Now half the hostages are dead.

Negotiator:  Well, I'd say half the hostages are still alive.

Hostage 1:  What the Hell?!  You just told him to kill my wife!

Negotiator:  Don't worry sir, based on the way things are proceeding here, you'll be reunited with her soon enough.

Gunman:  Can we now start finalising the deal?

Negotiator:  Well, to maximise your profit you could start counting down until you kill another hostage.  You'll then get a wildly high offer in desperation.

Gunman:  Alright, how long should I do it for?

Negotiator:  The shorter the countdown is, the more desperate the deal will be.  Say about... ten seconds?

Gunman:  OK!

Drags over another hostage and starts counting down from ten.

Hostage 2:  I don't want to die! [crying]

Negotiator:  Don't worry, out all the people I know who have died, not one of them has come back and told me they regretted it.

Hostage 2 is shot.

Gunman:  OK... I've only got one hostage left.

Negotiator:  Less loose ends to worry about, huh?

Gunman:  Shut up!  Why didn't you offer me anything!? [points gun at Negotiator]

Negotiator:  Oh silly me, everyone makes mistakes!

Gunman:  You know I'm pointing a loaded gun at you?

Negotiator:  Guess like I'm feeling like a lucky punk.

Gunman:  I've still got four bullets left!

Negotiator:  Every bullet has a silver lining.

Gunman:  Why are you so happy?!  I'm about to kill you!

Negotiator:  There's a light at the end of every tunnel!

Hostage 1:  *loud sob*

Gunman:  Shut up! [Shoots Hostage 1 in a rage]

Negotiator:  Look at that, the hostage situation is gone!

Negotiator pulls out gun and shoots Gunman

Negotiator:  Another job well done.