[TYWIN is sitting at the table alone. Servants stand nearby]

TYWIN: Boy.

[BOY SERVANT looks up]

TYWIN: Call them in.

BOY SERVANT: LANNISTERS, ASSEMBLE! YOUR LORD TYWIN CALLS YOU! COME AT ONCE!

[various LANNISTERS start filing into the room in various stages of undress. As they do so:]

TYWIN: I’ve called you all in here today because we need to discuss something.

CERSEI: What, father?

JAIME: Yes, tell us.

TYWIN: We have a problem.Something that is dragging the name Lannister through the mud. I will not tolerate it any longer.

LANCEL: What problem, Uncle?

TYWIN: Your collective uncontrollable sex addiction.

LANCEL: Sex what?

TYWIN: Addiction to sex. Sex addiction.

JAIME: That's insane.

TYWIN: A sexual addiction to sex.

CERSEI: We... we don’t have a –

TYWIN: Cersi, your uncontrollable libido is tearing this country apart. Your affairs alone have started wars, ended dynasties, and brought down great houses. This behaviour stops now.

JAIME: It’s – it’s not an addiction!

CERSEI: We can stop any time we want!

LANCEL: It’s not as bad as you think!

TYWIN: Oh? Really?

[TYRION runs into the room] Sorry I’m late, I was having sex

TYWIN: Put your hands up if you’ve had sex in the last week.

[everyone’s hands go up]

TYWIN: Last day.

[everyone’s hands stay up]

TYWIN: If it was with someone in this room.

[LANCEL person puts their hand down]

[KEVAN runs in]

LANCEL: Goddamnit! [puts hand back up]

TYWIN: This is exactly what I mean! [while this is happening, CERSEI is slowly taking off her top] Our family is ridden by perversion, incest and relentless sexcapades. Your torrid affairs have put a false king on the throne, resulted in the War of Five Kings, I wouldn’t even be surprised if the White Walkers were – wait, CERSEI, what are you doing?!

CERSEI: Well, you were explaining something slightly confusing, so I thought I’d start taking off my clothing to hold everyone’s attention.

TYWIN: This is the problem!  I did not dedicate my life to this family's reputation only for you to grind it to the ground.

CERSEI: This is just how it’s done!

LANCEL: We’re Lannisters! It’s our thing!

TYRION: You know what they say – a Lannister always pays his whores.

TYWIN: That’s not the family motto!

TYRION: Well, I’ve never read it, have I? I was too busy paying, and entering, whores!

TYWIN: THAT'S IT!  You are done with whores!  This kind of behaviour will destroy the family name and fortune. I’d say we’re spending a fortune on contraception, but we aren’t, but that’s its own issue. This stops here. No more sex, with anyone except your spouse, on pain of death.

JAIME: What?

CERSEI: Oh come ooooon!

TYWIN: That’s final. Now get out. All of you.

[EVERYONE except TYWIN leaves, grumbling.]

[pause]

[TYWIN gets up and leaves, he isn’t wearing pants, and five girls run in a line behind him.]