2012‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Job interview

Smithers: I tell you what Jones, we’ve interviewed over twenty applicants so far this morning, and I just can’t see that any are right for the job. I’m almost at a blank as to what to do.

Jones: Indeed Mr Smithers. You’re so right, as usual. Well, we’ve only one applicant left, and since all the others so far have proved appalling, it’s only safe to assume-

Smithers: Ah Jones, you know how I feel about assumptions. A company that assumes gets consumed.

Jones: Indeed sir. But just to say, sir, if none of our applicants proves worthy, perhaps it would be wise to look at talent already existing within the company…

Smithers: Can’t think what you mean, Jones. Anyway, must be getting on. Next applicant, please step in!

*A stereotypical zombie walks in, sits down*

Smithers: Ah, this is Mr Watson then, yes?

Zombie: *groans in agreement*

Jones: Ah, Mr Smithers, sir?!

Smithers: Not now, Jones. Now, Mr Watson, you have applied for the position as head of human resources?

Zombie: *groans in agreement*

Jones: Mr Smithers, sir, I must-

Smithers: Quiet Jones. Mr Watson, I’d like you to start by telling us a little about yourself.

Zombie: *groans and mumbles*

Smithers: Sorry, didn’t quite catch that?

Zombie: *groans and mumbles more angrily*

Smithers: Speak up?

Jones: Smithers, he’s a zombie! He’s clearly a zombie! Can’t you see?!?

Smithers: Jones, how appallingly rude. This is not the way we want to see Smithers & Smythe Corp. represented. Of course I can see that this applicant is differently abled, but this being a fair and just workplace, we shall judge him purely on his merit and ability. Any impairment he may experience in the mortality department is entirely his own business.

Zombie: *groans assent*

Smithers: So, if we can get on with things. Now, Mr Watson, what exactly are you looking to gain from this position and Smithers & Smythe?

Zombie: Braaaaaains. Braaaaaaaaaains!!!

Jones: He’s a zombie! How can you be thinking of hiring a zombie?!? You just heard him! He wants to eat our brains!!

Smithers: Nonsense, Jones. Clearly this is a man who, while he may have idiosyncratic modes of expression, truly values intelligence and higher education.

Jones: How did you get that out of what he said?!?


Smithers: There you go.

Jones: This man has clearly been dead for over 200 years!

Smithers: Which means that he has over 150 years more experience than even our most long-serviced employees. Think of the value that could bring to the company! Besides, he’s not dead, he’s undead.

Jones: Is that really any better?

Smithers: Of course! An undead employee never takes any sick days. Increased productivity.

Jones: Mr Smithers, don’t you think there might be a reason why we’ve never hired a member of the living dead before? Don’t you think that there might be a reason?

Smithers: You’re right, we haven’t. This will be our first zombie employee! I’ve always supported diversity in the workplace. Things are looking very promising for you, Mr Watson.

Zombie: *groans*

Jones:  Alright then, I really, really must protest. We cannot have a zombie in the workplace. It’s dangerous, and disturbing, and just plain wrong! I won’t have it!

Smithers: You have really been very difficult about this Jones. So unlike your character, you’re usually such an amenable fellow. I somehow get the feeling you have another reason for not wanting Mr Watson on our team. You wanted this job for yourself, didn’t you! Mr Jones!

Zombie: *groans angrily*

Jones: This has nothing to do with any well-deserved but overlooked promotions. This has to do with concern for the safety of our workplace and fellow colleagues.

Smithers: I’m very disappointed with you, Jones. That’s it. Watson, you’re hired!

Zombie: *groans*

Jones: NO!

Smithers: Enough is enough, Jones. Now, you shake the hand of your new colleague, or consider yourself out of a job.

*Jones tentatively shakes the zombie’s hand. The zombie attacks him, turning him into a zombie. *

Zombie: Brains!

Jones: Braaaaaaains!!

Zombie: BRAINS!


Jones and Zombie: BRAAAAAAAINS!!!

*Jones and Zombie walk off together, keeping up the “braaaaains”*

Smithers: That’s what I call diversity.