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James Bond - Learner's License to Kill

(007 theme plays.  James Bond and M onstage, Bond holding a pistol, M holding a clipboard.)
 
Bond:  I hope you backed up your hard drive – because you're about to get ... erased.
 
(Bond shoots into the wings.  Thud is heard.)
 
M:  [writing]  Terrible James, just terrible.  I'm going to have to deduct marks if you keep on like this.
 
Bond: What?  Why?  He's dead isn't he? 
 
M: Your ... 'puns', if that is what you'd call them, are all over the place.  They don't even make sense.  James, you've been with the British Government for some time now, and it's time you got your Licence to Kill.
 
Bond:  I agree.  And I think this shows just how capable I am.
 
M:  No, no, James!  A Licence to Kill isn't just about fulfilling the requisite number of supervised practice kills, or being able to care for your weapon to a reasonable safety standard.
 
Bond:  What then?
 
M:  You are a member of the British Secret Service.  When you kill someone, you are an ambassador for our government.  People expect flair when the government assassinates them, they expect style!  We at MI5 take that responsibility very seriously, and you should too.  Your one-liners need to be pithy, focussed, relevant.  [pause]  I see you've been using a manual not an automatic...
 
Bond:   I like to get ... hands-on when I use my weapon, if you know what I mean.
M:  You see?  That!   That's what we need!
Bond:   What on earth does explicit sexuality have to do with representing the government? Or for that matter with being British?
 
M:  It's what the public wants.  And if the public wants it, the government wants it.  I should know, I've worked for them so long I practically AM the government.  Say you're in the Arctic and you kill an arms dealer?
 
Bond:  "Ice doing business with you"?
 
M:  James, you're a highly-respected government assassin, not a poorly written comicbook supervillain. What about if you shot a femme fatale Soviet spy and her Southern American henchman?
 
Bond:  "One for the lady and one more for the road-eo"?
 
M:  Better.  And [third example]?
 
Bond:  [witty one-liner].
 
M:  Good. [writes on clipboard]  Now just the rest of your 120 practice kills and you're finished.
 
Bond:  Wait, 120?  Last year it was only 50!
 
M:  Yes, the rules are rather stricter now, I'm afraid.  120 supervised practice kills, including at least ten at night, competency firing at high speeds, in various weather conditions...
 
Bond:  You mean to tell me that last year I would already have my Licence to Kill, but this year there are more than double the requirements?  Whose idea was that?
 
M:  The government.
 
(beat)
 
Bond:  You're the government.
 
M:  ... Yes.  But don't worry, you'll soon get your provisional licence, and then you're free. Oh, except no killing between 11pm and 4am.  However, until then I am your trainer, and...
 
Bond:  This is ridiculous. 
 
(Bond shoots M; M dies.)
 
Bond:  I guess you could say that trainer's left the station.
 
(Bond exits.  Reprisal of 007 theme.)
 
 
 
(Alternative middle section, excised for length.  This is more political commentary than Science Revue's usual comedy style.  I'd prefer to leave it in, because revues have a long history of topical and political humour, and a bit of variety on SciRevue's comedy style would be a good thing, but it does add to the length of the sketch, and I'm guessing that popular opinion will be excision.)
 
M:  ... I've worked for them so long I practically AM the government.  Yes, gone are the days of leadership in the houses of parliament! Today's politicians are concerned with public image more than public good! We live in a world of elected leaders who field idiotic and bigotted questions on breakfast television when they should be steering the fate of the nation!
Bond: Yes, but what's this got to do with my Licence?
 
M: Hmm? Nothing. Merely a fact upon which to ruminate.
 
(beat)
M: So. Flair.  Say you're in the Arctic and you kill an arms dealer? ...
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