HOSTAGES CAPTOR is standing, holding a rifle. Several HOSTAGES are tied up on stage. CAPTOR: Good. Now I finally have their attention. Soon my demands will be met and you'll be free to go. And me? Well, I will have gotten away scot-free with no way to trace my whereabouts. Don't you see, it's the perfect crime! HOSTAGE: (shakes off gag) Why are you doing this!? CAPTOR: Shut up! Put that gag back in! (they do) Why the hell do you think I'm doing this? To get what I desire most! (noise) Here come the negotiators now. Now we're getting results! (Two negotiators walk in – hands up – wearing flak jackets) CAPTOR: (points rifle) Stay right there, pigs. ONE: Easy Perkins. We're just here to talk to you. TWO: No one wants this to go bad, especially not you. CAPTOR: Don't tell me what I want! How dare you tell me what I want! ONE: Easy Perkins! TWO: You're not going to win, Perkins. You know the rules. We don't negotiate with terrorists. CAPTOR: Well, you're going to this time or all these people are dead. ONE: No dice, Perkins. CAPTOR: I have one demand (Talking over each other.) TWO: WE DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH - CAPTOR: MY DEMAND IS - ONE: WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS CAPTOR: I WANT A TIC TAC! TWO: What? CAPTOR: I want a tic tac. ONE: (looks at TWO) We .. we don't - TWO: We do not negotiate with terrorists. ONE: Um, how .. how steadfast is that rule? TWO: What? ONE: I mean .. we could pretty easily give in to that demand. TWO: We do not negotiate with terrorists! ONE: I think we should negotiate with this terrorist! CAPTOR: If I don't have a tic tac in five minutes I'm going to kill everyone in this room. ONE: We'll get you a tic tac. TWO: No we won't! ONE: It's a tic tac! It's three cents! We could end this now! TWO: It's the principle of the thing! Today it's tic tacs, tomorrow it's Eclipse mints, and before you know it they'll be asking for billions of dollars. ONE: Today it's just tic tacs. I've got a dollar, she's got a gun, we could end this now. (Hostage from before removes gag again) HOSTAGE: Sorry to interrupt but .. I do have like, half a packet of tictacs in my purse and I'm completely willing to trade them for my life. CAPTOR: (points rifle) I ONLY WANT ONE! TWO: We do not negotiate with terrorists! ONE: This isn't a negotiation! All she wants is candy! CAPTOR: I just want candy! ONE: She really likes tic tacs! CAPTOR: I just want minty fresh breath! ONE: She's not a bad person! CAPTOR: I'm willing to kill everyone in this room to get a tic tac! ONE: Not really helping your cause, Perkins. TWO: WE CAN'T GIVE IN TO HER DEMANDS ONE: THAT IS THE MOST REASONABLE DEMAND OF ALL TIME! THERE HAS LITERALLY NEVER BEEN A MORE REASONABLE DEMAND! CAPTOR: You're running out of time! TWO (to ONE): Wait. I've got a plan. (to Captor) Alright, you win, we're coming in. (ONE and TWO enter. TWO pulls out a packet of tic-tacs) TWO: Here you go. Easy now. (CAPTOR cautiously takes a tic-tac from TWO, eats it and drops their weapon. ONE then grabs her.) TWO: You wanted tic tacs?! Here's some tic tacs you bastard! (TWO gives her a whole bunch of tic tacs and ONE starts to drag her off the stage) CAPTOR: (sobbing) No! No! I only wanted one! (lights down) |
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