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Hiring a hitman

Fred: You’re late.

Ruby: This is very short notice for a new customer. You’re lucky I came at all.

Fred: Are you sure you weren’t followed?

Ruby: Trust me; I know what I’m doing.

Fred: So you do understand that this has to be kept absolutely secret.

Ruby: Oh sure baby, I understand. I’ve been in this business a long time, and if it’s taught me anything, it’s how to be… understanding. You understand that, don’t you?

Fred: Oh. Of course. Great.

Ruby: So if you can be a bit more hospitable, we can get down to your little business.

Fred: Of course. Um, can I offer you a drink?

Ruby: No, thank you.

Fred: That’s okay; I know a lot of women who can’t hold their liquor.

Ruby: Believe me; he can usually sit up of his own accord. Now, this Sally.

Fred: Yes, I sent you the file.

Ruby: Said it was very personal business. You seemed very anxious to have things “put right”.

Fred: Yes.

Ruby: I don’t know what you were in such a fuss about. She was very easy to deal with.

Fred: So it’s been taken care of?

Ruby: Completely. And a very clean job too.

Fred: Clean?

Ruby: That’s how I work.

Fred: Okay… And how did she react? Did she like it? What did she say?

Ruby: Much as I aim to please in my work, I can’t say it was the most pleasant experience for our dear Sally. Not that it matters now.

Fred: Not that it matters? I wrote the words myself! “Darling Sally, you will forever be in my heart, with all my love, Freddie”! I bought the pure silver bracelet and paid for the engraving! How can it not matter? Oh, does she not love me? Is there someone else? Do you know? Will she no longer love me?

Ruby: I don’t think she can really love you, right now.

Fred: But my heart beats only for her! All the blood coursing through my veins screams her name! Does hers not do the same?

Ruby: Her blood isn’t really coursing anymore.

Fred: I would rather be dead than have her not love me.

Ruby: How about if she was dead?

Fred: I was just trying to make amends! I thought we could be happy together again!

Ruby: It’s not that big a deal.

Fred: It’s all my fault. What I did was unforgivable.

Ruby: Unforgivable is a relative term.

Fred: I was lonely that summer; I never thought she’d find out!

Ruby: She won’t now.

Fred: It’s not an easy life being a shepherd, and that look in Dolly’s eye…

Ruby: Wait, what?

Fred: What am I to do? What am I to do? What am I to do god damn it?!?!

Ruby: How about pay me my fee?

Fred: Oh. Oh alright. I suppose I must. The fee? *writing cheque*

Ruby: Five hundred dollars.

Fred: Of course. The recipient?

Ruby: Ruby Cutthroat.

Fred: Yes. Service description?

Ruby: Murder.

Fred: Sally? My Sally? She’s… She’s…

Ruby: Dead.

Fred: You’re a hitman? I’ve hired a hitman?

Ruby: Hitwoman.

Fred: How can this be? My Sally! Oh dear god!

Ruby: Look, there’s clearly been a mix-up here. You’re obviously new to this type of business, and have made an idiotic, but honest mistake. However, since I value my customers, I am willing to give you one murder, 100% free, as compensation. That’s the kind of woman I am.

Fred: I’m not a violent man. I would never wish death upon any human being.

Ruby: Are you sure there’s not a single being out there, absolutely no one, who it might be advantageous to have out of the way?

Fred: I’ll give you Dolly’s address.

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