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Hamlet without all the death

Horatio, on stage. Hamlet enters.


Horatio: Hamlet, dear friend! I see that you’ve returned from your voyage unharmed. How goes the plot to kill your murderous uncle?

Hamlet: Oh Horatio, I would vow to destroy *pulls flagon from behind back* this flagon of mead in my anger, but alcoholism is not the answer. Tell me, what has become of my beloved Ophelia, after I accidentally murdered her father?

Horatio: Well, earlier this week, she just died! When she found these purple drapes to replace the one still covered in her father’s blood. But have you heard of Laertes?

Hamlet: Ophelia’s brother? Is he vowing to revenge himself upon me?

Horatio: Aye. He is but keen to take a good stab *stabby gesture* at peaceful mediation, though.

Hamlet: Splendid! If thou would excuse me, Horatio, I need to go cut Ophelia *pause* a bunch of flowers. I might take her for a walk by the river.

Horatio: Make sure she doesn’t drown! Her sorrows, in your flagon of mead, you’d better leave it here with me.

Hamlet: Oh, yes, I suppose you’re right. *hands over flagon* Fare thee well, Horatio!


Hamlet exits.


Horatio: Score! Now, to enjoy my favourite poison. Alcohol. *drains flagon* Hang on a second, that was actual poison! *dies*