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Gandalf's New Groove

*A LADY stands in a shop full of white dresses on racks. A table with bottled water stands off to the side. Enter Gandalf in tattered grey robes*


LADY: Hello? May I help you?

GANDALF: Ah, yes, finally, thank you. I've been looking everywhere but you're the only shop open this late. You see I have this problem.

LADY: Honey, I can tell.

GANDALF: Yes, thank you. You see, I’ve just spent months travelling all across Middle Earth trying to get this stupid ring to Mordor, managing to keep everything in order. And then this stupid Balrog decides to pick a fight with me and utterly destroys my robe.

LADY: Alright, alright. Calm down. If you’re after something to wear, I can make you look stunning!

GANDALF: …Thank you?

LADY: Well, over here we have our spring line. This one *removes meringue dress from rack* has a nice wide skirt and a bodice to show off your natural curves. The bust is set high for –

GANDALF: That’s not really what I’m looking for.

LADY: Oh, alright. May I ask why?

GANDALF: Well, like you said, the skirt is far too wide. It would make hunting orcs rather difficult.

LADY: Ah, I think I know what you’re after then. *Pulls out a long thin dress with a skirt from the knees down* This dress is commonly referred to as the –

GANDALF: Mermaid dress, I know.

LADY: Ah, then I’m sure you’ll find it quite a suitable dress.

GANDALF: Really? How could that be suitable? I have to ride a horse all day. How am I supposed to ride a horse with that on? That’s just impractical!

LADY:  You could always ride side saddle.

GANDALF: A wizard does not ride side saddle.

LADY: Alright then, alright then. We’ll try something a little more flexible. *Pulls out a thin dress with a skirt at the waist, form fitting upper body and lace sleeves* This look is very in nowadays. The tight fit is very slimming, but the lace adds that little bit of –

GANDALF: Lace? If a wizard doesn’t ride side saddle, do you really think he’d wear lace?

LADY: I’m sorry. Here, let me get you some water. *walks over to a table and picks up a drink* Here you are.

GANDALF: I’m sorry, I think I over-reacted a bit. I’ve had a pretty hard day.

LADY: I understand, dear. The day before the wedding is always stressful. Do you see anything here that you can picture yourself wearing to your big day?  

GANDALF: Wedding? I’m not going to a wedding. I just need new robes.

LADY: But I thought you said you had to get a ring to Mordor. Nevermind! It's wizard business I'm sure. Well then, how about these? *pulls out regular white wizard’s robes*

GANDALF: Well, it's not really my colour. Do you sell any in grey?

LADY: This is a bridal shop. Everything is in white.

GANDALF: Well then, I'll take it anyway. Saruman can just suck it.

LADY: Splendid. Shall I wrap them up, or would you like to change into them now?

GANDALF: Now, if you please my dear.

LADY: Here you are. *hands him the robes* However, I am obliged to tell you that this pair of robes comes with a complimentary set of lace undergarments.

GANDALF: *a beat* Well, if they’re only undergarments.