2012‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Friendzoning Jesus

J: But I love you so much!

G: Look, I understand your "Jesus Loves you" angle, but - 

J: So much love!

G: We hardly even know each other!

J: But we could.

G: I don’t want a relationship with you!

J: Oh, come on. Why not? Just give me a try. It’s not like I’m asking you to marry me. Although you can if you want to.

G: Oh, for God’s sake!

J: Yes?  Oh, you were just … Okay, fine, no marriage. But tell me you love me.  I love you!  I love everybody!  You are all my children!

G: Okay, you want to know how do I not love thee? Fine, let me count the ways, and let’s start with that one. Imagine me introducing you to my friends. “This is Jesus, my boyfriend, father and saviour.” Can you see how that’s weird?

J: Wait, boyfriend? I don’t…

G: Then there’s the age gap: working with the ‘half your age plus seven’ rule, I breach your lower limit by about one thousand.  

J: No, it’s not like that! My love for you is pure. I don’t another pretty face, I don't want just anyone to hold, I just want - 

G: Me and my beautiful soul, yeah yeah, I get it. 

J: I don’t think you quite understand…

G: Then there’s the polyamory thing.

J: Whoa, what?

G: Don’t think I don’t know about all the other girls – and boys – you’ve got hanging on your every Word.

J: It’s not what you think...

G: Hey, I’m not judging. What you want to do with consenting adults in your own time is your own business.

J: It’s not a relationship the way you’re imagining.

G: What, ‘friends with benefits’?

J: Well … I guess, technically yes.  We become friends, and the benefit is that you don’t burn in Hell for all eternity. But…

G: … I have no idea what you’re talking about.

J: Salvation. Absolution for your sins. I’m like … a teacher, guiding you through life.

G: That’s a ethical grey area, dating a teacher.

J: Or a loving shepherd, and you and all the people of the world are my flock.

G: Okay, now you’re getting overtones of bestiality.


G: Look, you don't need to feel embarrassed. There's no need to awkwardly backpedal out of this situation. I just don’t feel that way about you. I think we’re better as friends.

J: Well great! That's exactly what I was going for!

G: … Okay. Sure you were. Let’s run with that.

J: I mean it! I was going for platonic the whole time!

G: Okay.

-awkward pause-

G: You did say you love me an awful lot though.