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*Evil Etymologists

Evil Etymologists

RICHARD:  Professor.

PROFESSOR: Richard, so good to see you.

RICHARD: I was reading the draft of your latest manuscript and I was wondering if I could raise a point with you.

PROFESSOR: Of course. How can I enlighten you?

RICHARD: It’s the terminology – I don’t believe it’s the best choice.

PROFESSOR: To which term are you referring?

RICHARD: Well sir, here you revealed your discovery of a learning disability that impairs a person's fluency or comprehension accuracy in being able to read and difficultly in spelling.

PROFESSOR: Yes, that's correct.

RICHARD: Why would you name it Dyslexia? That wasn't well thought-out at all.

PROFESSOR: Or maybe it was.

RICHARD: But, you see, Professor, it doesn't stop there. You named the word for a speech impediment where people are unable to pronounce sibilants a "lisp".

PROFESSOR: Neither does it explain the other name I made for that impediment. Sigmatism. *knowing smile*

RICHARD: That's even worse. (Gasp) No.

PROFESSOR: Yes. I've been doing it on purpose.

RICHARD: It can't be.

PROFESSOR: You know that it is! Think back! What did I name the fear of long words? 

RICHARD: Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia!


RICHARD: No! You can't!

PROFESSOR: But I can! Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia! 

RICHARD: "Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia"?!

PROFESSOR: Yes! Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia! I don’t know much about medicine but I’m pretty sure terrifying a patient when diagnosing them is not a useful healing tool!

RICHARD: But why?

PROFESSOR: The world doesn't respect language anymore! I'm going to bring down society with the power of words! Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia was only the start. I have plans, oh, such plans, for this world and its languages. Help me, Richard, and you may have a place at my side.

RICHARD: You're mad, Professor!  I would never join you and your diabolical plans! You can invent names without me! I'm leaving.

PROFESSOR: I am the most powerful etymologist in the world. Don't make me-!

RICHARD: Make you what? You can't hurt me Professor because I've already got a name. Good bye. (exits)

PROFESSOR: You may have already have a name, but I can always give you a nickname, Richard. *evil laugh* Or should I say... *laugh* SHITHEAD!