2012‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Endangered Cuteness

Scientist Sally (you can tell she's a scientist because of the lab coat, der) holding mouse down, about to inject with comically large needle, other scientists work at different tables.
Enter James, at a run

James: Stop that!

Runs, grabs mouse off table, cuddles

James: Shh, shh, it's ok, the mean scientist has gone now. (glares at Scientist) How dare you! Mice are endangered animals!

Scientist: (Bemused) What? No they're not?

J: This one was! It's wrong to kill animals for our benefit! (Playing with mouse) You sicken me.

S: James, I saw you eat chicken for lunch, five minutes ago

J: Who cares about them? It's just a chicken! It's not a proper animal, like this cutie (Continues playing with mouse)

S: (Shocked) What?!

J: Yes, everyone knows that, dummy. That's why we spend so much time protecting mice and rabbits

S: That is the opposite of what we do. We literally spend our time killing mice and rabbits.

J: (Looking guilty) Welllll, you do

S: What do you…(Dawning realisation, stern face) Jaaaames. Have you been secretly fighting for the pests?

J: Only the ones worth saving!

S: Oh, that makes it all better! You are employed to engineer ways to cull them, and you're saving them?

J: Alright, the jig's up. Yes, I have been saving them, it's part of my work for the RSPCA.

S: James, the Royal Society for the Protection and Care of Animals actually sanctioned…

J: Who? I'm part of the Royal Society for the Protection of Cute Animals. We undertake covert operations, placing our people everywhere. My time here has been largely spent developing vaccines…


J: Oh yeah, natural immunity doesn't actually exist. We brought down mixomatosis, and we've been foiling your biological warfare ever since. You'd be surprised how many of us there are.

S: (Laughs nervously) Oh come on, don't try and p-ppulll t-t-that… (Trails away to a stutter as all of the other scientists turn and advance)

J: Oh yes, we've been watching you for a while Sally. A lot of zest, combined with brilliant work. It's not healthy.

S: (Backing away) Nooooo

Scientists lunge, lights out