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Dracula's Dentures

(Brad runs onto the stage and trips. Dracula enters, cape around mouth.)

D: Cower, mortal, for I am Dracula, king of the vampires!
(Dracula lunges at Brad and bites his neck.)
Brad: No! Mercy! Help! Aaaah! Aaa... ahhhh.  Ooh.  That's ... kinda nice... Wait.
(Pushes Dracula away. Dracula pulls cape above his mouth.)
Brad: What are you doing?  Weren't you going to bite me?
(Brad tests his neck and finds no wound.)
D: Yes!
B: It felt like you were giving me a hickey.
D: Shut up! My biting teeth are at the dentists.
B: What?
D: What?  Good dental hygiene is important.
(Brad pulls Dracula's cape away.  Dracula hisses, revealing a complete lack of vampire fangs.)
B: You have no fangs.
D: I'm over one thousand years old!
B: You have no fangs.
D: I told you, they're at the dentists. 
B: You have dentures?
D: No! I ... They're not dentures, they're premium-quality porcelain incisor caps.
B: Vampires shouldn't need dentures.
D: Shut up! I'm Dracula, king of the vampires! I am over one thousand years old! If I choose to have a little work done then that's my business. I like to make an impression when I ... make an impression. Is that so wrong?
B: But how can you make an impression when you don't have any fangs with which to draw blood?

Dracula: Maybe I have knife.

Brad: Do you have a knife?

Dracula: No.

Brad: Right.
D: Look, I'll admit, I didn't entirely think this through. I don't usually have to worry about this kind of thing.
B: Well, maybe there's something else you can use. Do you have a fork?
D: No.
B: A pen?
D: No.
B: A letter opener?
D: No.
B: Any kind of sharp, pointy thing?
Dracula: I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but let's call this a write-off.
Brad: Well, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to do this, but you could always --
*Brad pulls dentures out of his own mouth and offers them to Dracula. After a moment, Dracula shrugs and takes them, putting them into his mouth. Light down*
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