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10 or so people sitting around on various tables, scene is basically a crowded restaurant. A couple, Tim and Alice, in the foreground eating dinner.


Tim: *insert conversation - I don’t know what normal people say in normal social situations, but this should be an example of that, or some gag/reference, anyway, he just needs to say something for a bit to set the scene*, so anyway *chokes*

Alice: Tim? Tim are you okay. TIM! IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?

D: I am!

Alice: Thank G-d!

D: yeah, I get that a lot.*walking over to Tim*

Alice: Is he alright?

D: Personally, I don’t think any of us can be ALL right. Furthermore, What is right is defined as much by our intention as it's outward manifestation, and from my own perspective I -

Alice: what are you on about?

D: I'm trying to answer your question, it's a complex one and  I won't get any kind of profound analysis out if you keep interrupting me. Now, on to how we understand what it is to be right

Alice: WHAT? Are you even a doctor?

D: of course I am PhD in continental philosophy at Cambridge, top of my class thankyou very much

A: that's all very well and good, but I don't think my boyfriend can breathe! It's hardly the time to ruminate on the human condition.

D: I suppose I could start CPR then *starts doing something that looks like CPR*

A: thankyou! That was such a waste of time!

D:Airway clear, beginning rescue breaths

 A: you could have just said you knew CPR!

D: *pauses just before breathing* Well, I wouldn’t go as far as to say I 'know' it. There's an awful lot to the word 'know'

A: WHAT?! Do you know CPR or not!

D: well, I've done a first aid course, so in a strictly pragmatic sense, I suppose I do, but according to Rene Descartes, we cannot truly-

A: *pushes him aside* Are there any REAL doctors here?

Everyone from D's table begin to stand up

A: NOT PHILOSOPHERS, someone who actually knows...something

One woman, S gets up

S: I'm a doctor of Physics from MIT.

A: I don't need a physicists I need someone who actually knows what's happening here!

S: but I do! Physics knows everything. I have an equation that models the entire universe, it can solve literally ANY problem!

A: whatever, you'll have to do, what can we do to help tim? *points at him, now convulsing*

S: Hmmmm, well the maths gets pretty tricky with anything bigger than a hydrogen atom...If you get me a computer and I make some good estimates, I can run some models, should be able 

to tell us what to do within... a few months

A: How is that going to help?! We don’t have a few months

S: but we need to be rigourous!

A: how does nobody get that this is an emergency?! Does anyone here actually have a medical degree?

Woman, P  who has just entered answers

P: yes, Harvard medicine.

A: finally, a real doctor! We're running out of time!

P: what's the problem?

Alice: My boyfriend is dying!

*Tim stops moving altogether*

P:  *ignores time and looks straight at alice* I'm sorry to hear that. *Pulls out pen and pad, scribbles something* And how does that make you feel?