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DeathStar IR


The death star. CHARLES is sitting in chair. VADER and EMPEROR enter the room.

VADE: So he said "don't try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways Lord Vader" and then I force choked him.

EMPE: That's why I invited you here.

VADE: Master?

EMPE: I've called in the union representative to discuss your work relations issues.


CHAR: Emperor, Lord Vader.

VADE: I don't understand.

EMPE: Improving this battle station’s conflict resolution may save the empire hundreds of thousands of credits in compensation. We could build a second death star with that.

E: We don’t need another one.

CHAR: Yet.
 I understand you had an altercation recently in recruitment.

VADE: Yes, Luke Skywalker wouldn't join the dark side.

EMPE: And how would you recommend settling that, Charles?

CHAR: Personally, I would have organised mediation in accordance with Section C of the workplace relations guide.

VADE: I did that.

EMPE: No, Vader. Tell him what you really did.

VADE: I froze his friend in carbonite and cut off his hand.

CHAR: You what?

VADE: I cut off his hand.

CHAR: You cut off his hand?

E: And froze his friend in carbonite.

E: Well carbonite is reversible.

VADE: And his hand will grow back. Everyone wins.

EMPE: Hands don't grow back, Vader.

VADE: Mine did.

EMPE: No. We built you a new one.

VADE: Boba Fett, Bubba Fett, same thing.

CHAR: We need to break this cycle of behaviour. How can we do that, Vader?

VADE: I could bring the workers in one by one, and destroy their home planets.

EMPE: No, you're confusing conflict resolution with genocide again.

E: Maybe I should throw you down an exhaust shaft.

CHAR: An improvement!

E: He just said he was going to throw me down an exhaust shaft.

CHAR: At least he’s not cutting off your hand.

E: If he throws me down an exhaust shaft I’ll explode.

CHAR: Well it’s an improvement upon destroying your home planet.

E: This is stupid. Your ideas are stupid. We’re going back to being evil. Vader, force choke him.

VADER force chokes CHARLES, VADER and EMPEROR force pull coffee cups and exit

EMPE: Don't think I've forgotten about that exhaust shaft thing!

VADE: Don't think that I've forgotten about Padme.


Lights down

Adam Chalmers,
May 31, 2011, 2:23 AM