2012‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

*Clippy the Wingman

JAMES is at the bar, sitting by himself watching SALLY at the other end. CLIPPY pops up from behind the bar.
CLIPPY: It looks like you’re picking up a girl. Would you like help?
JONATHAN: Look, I mean -
CLIPPY: Options: 1. Get help with picking up the girl. 2. Just seduce her yourself.
JONATHAN: Clippy, can you wingman me?
CLIPPY: You have selected “get help with picking up the girl.”
JONATHAN: Okay, what’s the plan?
CLIPPY: Step 1: Gain the girl’s attention. Step 2: Create attraction. Step 3: Get her number or take her home.
JONATHAN: How do we start?
CLIPPY: Approach the girl and say something.
JONATHAN: But what?
CLIPPY: I’m sorry, I don’t know the answer to that question.
JONATHAN: Okay, here goes...

[JONATHAN walks towards SALLY, trying to look confident, but trips. As he grabs the bar for support, he spills her drink]

JONATHAN: Oh my god, I’m so sorry [grabs napkins to help her]
DEB: Well, looks like I’m going back to the dry cleaners tomorrow.
CLIPPY: It looks like you're fucking up! Would you like some help?
JONATHAN: God yes.
CLIPPY: Try teasing her with a backhanded compliment!
JONATHAN: Wow, your hair is so yellow... like a cow vomiting up straw.
DEB: ...excuse me?!
CLIPPY: She’s blushing red! Good job! You have created attraction.
JONATHAN: That’s not attracti-
CLIPPY: Step 3: Exchange numbers or take her home.
JONATHAN: Well, this has been a fun conversation -
DEB: It hasn’t.
JONATHAN: But I’ve gotta go meet some friends. Can I get your nu-
DEB: No.
JONATHAN: Right, well, I’ll just write mine on this napkin.
CLIPPY: It looks like you’re writing a letter! Would you like help?
JONATHAN: NO!
CLIPPY: Option 1: Get help wri -
JONATHAN: SHUT UP CLIPPY. [finishes writing number, looks back at Deb] Well, I’m sorry about the drink... here’s my number. Sorry again... please never call me. [runs away to the end of the bar]

CLIPPY: Good job! You have picked up a girl.
JONATHAN: Good job? Are you kidding me? That went awful!
CLIPPY: It looks like you’ve got no game! Would you like help?
JONATHAN: Shut up, Clippy.
CLIPPY: It looks like you’re in need of pornography! Would you like help?
JONATHAN: . You're the worst update ever!

[JONATHAN leaves in a rage. CLIPPY sidles over to DEB]
CLIPPY: It like you’re in need of a good time! Would you like help?
[DEB sizes him up]
DEB: ...are you dressed as a paperclip?
Comments