2012‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Jellybeans

Johnson is on stage. There is a large bowl of jellybeans.

Bert: (Enters) Mrs Johnson. How are you?

Johnson: I'm not happy. There's a problem with your new product line.

B: I don't understand ma'am, you were quite excited at the board pitch.

J: The execution of your flavours has been a little extreme.

B: Extreme?

J: You failed to tell me that when you said every flavoured you meant 'every flavoured'.

B: Well of course I meant every flavoured.

J: "Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans - a risk with every mouthful". At the time, I thought this was a great pitch. The problem is, the majority of flavours you've created can only be described as... soul-crushing

B: What?

J: For example (eats a bean) this one tastes like fear (eats another), this one like self-loathing, (eats another) and this one - hate crime. 

B: Mmm.

J: How do you even manage that? And how do I know what hate crime tastes like?

B: I'm very good at my job, maam.

J: You are, Bertrand, but we're a children's candy company. I'm not sure we can even market these to adults. (Another) That tasted like wasted youth. ... Why is that so familiar?

B: *coughs suggestively*

J: Bertie, this line could make us extremely rich, but I need you to focus on positive flavours. Like the taste of Sunshine. Lollipops. Rainbows. Lemons.

B: Why have lemons when you can have self-pity, or anger? Taste survivor's guilt, or that feeling you get when you fall backwards on a chair?

J: People don't want to fall backwards off chairs, they want lemons!

B: Then how about vomit, or boogers, or the ghost of christmas past?

J: This is children's confectionery! Not psychological warfare! Make us flavours for kids!

B: I can only make flavours I've tasted before.

J: Oh, I never knew. I'm so sorry.

B: I don't need help to make a pity flavoured jelly bean. I'm already capable of that.

J: Have you ever felt anything positive? Joy? Triumph? ... Love?

B: No.

J: I'm sorry.

B: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE PITY JELLYBEAN?

J: The bottom line is we can't work with these feelings. We'll hire someone else to make our flavours.

B: What?!

J: I'm sorry, Bertie. We have to let you go.

B: You can't do this. You need me. I'll ruin you if you go. Soon I'll have my payback. Soon I will taste sweet revenge.

*B takes a handful of pink jelly beans*

J: Feel any better?

B: No!

Comments