Johnson is on stage. There is a large bowl of jellybeans. Bert: (Enters) Mrs Johnson. How are you? Johnson: I'm not happy. There's a problem with your new product line. B: I don't understand ma'am, you were quite excited at the board pitch. J: The execution of your flavours has been a little extreme. B: Extreme? J: You failed to tell me that when you said every flavoured you meant 'every flavoured'. B: Well of course I meant every flavoured. J: "Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans - a risk with every mouthful". At the time, I thought this was a great pitch. The problem is, the majority of flavours you've created can only be described as... soul-crushing. B: What? J: For example (eats a bean) this one tastes like fear (eats another), this one like self-loathing, (eats another) and this one - hate crime. B: Mmm. J: How do you even manage that? And how do I know what hate crime tastes like? B: I'm very good at my job, maam. J: You are, Bertrand, but we're a children's candy company. I'm not sure we can even market these to adults. (Another) That tasted like wasted youth. ... Why is that so familiar? B: *coughs suggestively* J: Bertie, this line could make us extremely rich, but I need you to focus on positive flavours. Like the taste of Sunshine. Lollipops. Rainbows. Lemons. B: Why have lemons when you can have self-pity, or anger? Taste survivor's guilt, or that feeling you get when you fall backwards on a chair? J: People don't want to fall backwards off chairs, they want lemons! B: Then how about vomit, or boogers, or the ghost of christmas past? J: This is children's confectionery! Not psychological warfare! Make us flavours for kids! B: I can only make flavours I've tasted before. J: Oh, I never knew. I'm so sorry. B: I don't need help to make a pity flavoured jelly bean. I'm already capable of that. J: Have you ever felt anything positive? Joy? Triumph? ... Love? B: No. J: I'm sorry. B: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE PITY JELLYBEAN? J: The bottom line is we can't work with these feelings. We'll hire someone else to make our flavours. B: What?! J: I'm sorry, Bertie. We have to let you go. B: You can't do this. You need me. I'll ruin you if you go. Soon I'll have my payback. Soon I will taste sweet revenge. *B takes a handful of pink jelly beans* J: Feel any better? B: No! |