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Bar Joke

Scene is a bar, as obvious as possible, old-timey-barmaid is leaning over a counter with bottles everywhere, polishing a glass. There is another man (JOHN) slumped over the bar, empty glasses all around him, he's cradling a tumbler. In the background at a table, DEATH, FAMINE, WAR and fourth person (possibly PESTILANCE) are having a drink. From here on in, any cameo character acts as they stereotypically would, and also doing regular bar/tavern stuff: having bets, silent laughing, silent loud conversation, being alone in a corner, etc..

John: [drunkenly, all John's lines are "drunkenly"]Another!

Barmaid: Comin' atcha, John [pours a generous slug of whiskey into John's glass]

There is a pause, John downs his drink and lets out a slow sob.

John: I can't believe they fired me!

Barmaid: [With limitless patience] I know buddy, I know. But you won't find what you're looking for at the bottom of a bottle.
John: Doesn't mean I can't still look.

Enter: an ENGLISHMAN, IRISHMAN and a SCOTSMAN. BARMAID serves them drinks. The IRISH gets three to himself.

BARMAID sighs to herself and reluctantly pours John another drink

John: Ten years, Lucy! Ten years of loyalty and hardwork, and what do they do? Replace me with some machine, some stupid machine!

I feel for you, buddy.

Enter: A PRIEST, a MONK and a RABBI. Each one gets a drink: the PRIEST a beer, the MONK one with everything, and somehow the RABBI gets handed beer and $20.


Barmaid (continued): But, come on John, you'll land on your feet somehow. You're a clever guy.
John: No, YOU "come on", Lucy. Who in this day and age wants some poor sod who screws on toothpaste caps all day.

Crabby sighs and pours the drink. Enter: A MAN enters in from the wings and immediately hits his head on a bar. No one takes any notice.

And my son... I can't look him in the eye and tell him what happened.

Meanwhile, a PANTOMIME HORSE enters and walks up to the bar. During the next line, the BARMAID reaches under the counter and gives HORSE a bundle of carrots.

John: Poor little Freddie...all I try to do is make him smile.

Barmaid: Chin up, pal, get rid of that long face. *HORSE looks up momentarily*  Life can't be all bad for you now, can it?

John: I've lost my job, my house is falling apart, my wife's about to leave me, and I'm stuck in the middle of a predictable joke. (alt: "is my life a joke?" All others: "Yes!")