2012‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Bad News

PATIENT waits as DOCTOR walks onstage.

P: Hello doctor.

D: Hello – how are you?

P: I was hoping you could tell me.

D: Good one, nothing better than the power of laughter I always say.

P: I do my best to stay positive.

D: If only your blood count was as high as your spirits.

P: What's wrong with my blood?

D: Your blood test results came back as positive as your attitude. If your immune system were a country it'd be France in World War 2.

P: Oh god! Is it serious?

D: You could say deadly serious.

P: This is how you break it to me? How could you be so cold?

D: I happen to be quite comfortable at my body's core temperature – although I suppose I will seem cold compared to you soon enough.

P: (starts sobbing)

D: Cheer up! I only said those things so it would lesson the blow from what's really wrong with you.

P: I'm not going to die?

D: Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

P: Why are you tormenting me?

D: Oh, get a sense of humour.

P: Now listen here!

A different Doctor comes on stage.

D2: (notices D) Dr Clark! Get out of my office!

D: Ah!

(D runs off)

P: Dr Jenkins!

D2: I am terribly sorry Mr Malade. That was Dr Clark, he likes playing practical jokes.

P: You mean he wasn't...

D2: Definitely not. In fact I'm going to sue him for malpractice. He tells all my patients they're going to die.

P: So.. I'm not going to die?

D2: Not today (laughs). (Looks at his charts) Tomorrow apparently.

Lights down.